Neil Amstrong On The Moon

Accountants aren't boring people, we just get excited over boring things. Accountants do it without losing their balance. Accountants are Certified to do it in Public. An auditor is the guy who comes in after the battle to bayonet the wounded. There are 3 kinds of CPA's in the world - Those who can count, and those who can't. The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple: If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money. If Patrick Henry hated taxation without representation, he should be here today to see how lousy it is WITH representation. Accountants never grow old they just lose their balance. Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant...even if he wanted to be one? You might be an Accountant if... Your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card. You refer to your child as Deduction 214. You deduct Exlax as "Moving Expenses." At the movie "Indecent Proposal" you did a NPV calculation. You decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the doubleunderline "=================". If you have no idea that "GAP" is also a clothing store. The following are reflections on tax preparation: Have you ever wondered why people are quick to brag about their income, but refuse to list it all on their income tax? Have you ever wondered why people refuse to drop a dime in the Salvation Army Drum, but are quick to list significant miscellaneous cash donations for their itemized deductions? Have you ever wondered why someone refuses to share their age until they get an extra deduction on their tax return? Have you ever wondered why someone would refuse to discuss their weight - until they think that the cost of dieting can be considered a medical deduction? Have you ever wondered why child support is such a contentious issue when everyone wants to claim everyone that they ever knew as a dependent? Have you ever wondered why you can't complete a form within the IRS suggested time frame?

Why Emma Stone Quit Facebook

The woman went to see the doctor. She had a large flower growing out of the top of her head. The doctor looked at the flower and said: 'That is quite remarkable. I've never seen anything like that before. But I'll soon cut it off.' 'Cut it off?' snapped the woman. 'I don't want the flower cut off. I just want it treated against greenfly.'

I have seen this guy before

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment." The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drug store, poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message: Your tap water has lead. Get a filter. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby - get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Women logic In Relationships

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?" She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?" She says, "Well, your name never came up."

How She Know He Is A BOy

Last week my friend, Mabel, was feeling terribly ill so her husband 'phoned the doctor's surgery. 'I'm afraid the doctor is busy until 10am Thursday,' said the receptionist. 'But that's three days away! My wife is terribly ill,' pleaded Mabel's husband. 'What if she's dead by then?' 'Well,' replied the receptionist, you can always 'phone and cancel the appointment.'

A PUSH UP BRAA!

By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.


Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.


Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.


Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.


Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.


Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.


If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.


Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.


Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)


Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.


Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

IN BED WITH MY BOYFRIEND!

One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"